Beard: A Retired Prison Warden’s Reflections on Choosing Battles.

It was early evening when Warden Biggie Biggins exited the conference room to his office and loaded his briefcase for his trip home.

The phone rang; he answered it; his secretary had left.

It was his supervisor, Charlene Box. She rarely called.

“Warden, you have a Sergeant by the name of Ron Simmons?”

“I do. What’s up?”

“I have been informed he wears a rather large, full beard.”

“That’s right. It’s why everybody calls him ‘Beard’. He’s a damn good Sergeant…maybe a little gruff now and then, but smart and knows his job. Is there a problem?”

A momentary silence then Charlene said, “Biggie, don’t blow smoke up my ass. You know it’s against regulations for uniformed supervisors to wear beards.”

“Uh huh,” Biggins said. “But since I have a beard it’s a little awkward to enforce. I mean I’m used to living with a fair degree of hypocrisy, but my telling him to get rid of his beard is a bit much, don’t you agree?

“You’re not uniform staff supervision. You’re allowed.”

“That’s the point. There are many officers here who don’t shave every day. Frankly, I don’t want to be in the position of having to judge when an officer’s facial hair is a beard or just stubble. I don’t think we should be punishing perfectly good officers for facial hair. Frankly, I think the facial hair rule is not only bullshit, but impossible to equitable enforce. It generates judgment calls as different as those who make them.”

“That maybe so, but suppose a prisoner decides to grab him by his beard. You could say it would certainly interfere with his job performance. The rule is tied to performance of duties.”

“Okay Charlene, let me tell you a story…true story, I swear. Simmons worked at the Huron Valley Men’s Facility before transferring to us, and while there a prisoner with a knife came up behind him and tried to slit his throat. It was his beard that saved his life…the knife couldn’t cut through it. So, he’s rather attached to that beard. I think he’d just as soon get rid of his wife than shave that beard. So, that kinda blows your performance argument all to hell. I mean, there’s nothing that effects job performance like a slit throat. If you don’t mind me asking, how did he come to your attention anyway?”

“I was told the Director saw him when he made a delivery to Central Office.”

“Well,” I said, “I see shit still flows downhill. And another thing, he’s had that beard for years, and this department promoted him with that beard. Now we’re going to tell him get rid of it? I’d say he has an even chance of beating us with a grievance. The hearings officer will ask us, “Why now?”

The director was new to the Michigan Department of Corrections, being a Republican political appointee who previously worked in the Illinois Dept of Corrections. Warden Biggins thought him a rather punitive bastard whose favorite administrative mode was intimidation.

“Look Biggy, I need you to take care of this, Okay? The regs say he either shaves or takes a demotion back to corrections officer.”

Biggins agreed to take care of the situation, hung-up and called the Control Center Captain.

“Captain, you know how Simmons loves his beard?”

“Yes, sir. Maybe even more than his motorcycle.”

Simmons is a biker’s biker and the warden didn’t see him giving up riding until they removed his cold, dead, hand from the throttle (to paraphrase someone somewhere).

“Well then Captain, if you want him to keep that beard, and not fuck up his retirement with a demotion, arrange for him to never make a run to Central Office.”

“Yes, sir. But that will mean some tricky scheduling.”

“I have faith you can make it work.”