Evangelical Christian Sexual Surveillance: A Proposal

History and Problem Statement:

One indicator of our burgeoning surveillance-oriented society is that some evangelical Christian churches are equipping their congregants with cell phone apps that monitor a congregant’s behavior. The apps track the sites a congregant visits so the congregant’s “accountability partner” (church leader) can know what the congregant is viewing. Typically, the app tracks such things as visits to porn sites, sex toy sites, and other locations that the accountability partner may want to talk about with the congregant. The apps are often used to assist LGBTQ congregants resist temptation and alter their sexual orientation in concert with other conversion therapy efforts. They also target those with sex addictions or frequent masturbatory urges.

Though these surveillance programs are voluntary, miscreant members risk be thrown out of the congregations and/or burning in Hell if they don’t “volunteer”. One example, the Gracepoint Church in Berkley, California is said to have over 450 congregants under cell phone app surveillance. Think of it as seeking salvation at the end of very short surveillance leash…the true meaning of freedom.

One of the problems with the surveillance programs are congregants’ use of burner phones to get around routine monitoring, yet still avail themselves of Church services such as rent assistance…no small thing in California.

The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

The Use of Corrections Technology:

As a retired prison warden, I’m familiar with the electronic monitoring of criminal offenders, and have been intrigued by the other possible applications of this technology. For instance, electronic devices are used to monitor Alzheimer patients, as well as other medically related patient monitoring. These technologies use active or passive GPS tracking, radio frequency monitoring, secure continuous remote alcohol monitoring, and breathalyzer monitoring.

After reading about the Gracepoint Church surveillance program and its possible problem, I contacted people I know at Genderosity, a surveillance program provider to see what they could develop.

The Proposal:

Using penile plethysmography technology designed to monitor sex offenders, Genderosity proposes to equip male congregants with Peter-Meters®. The Peter-Meter® is an unintrusive “O” shaped device that fits around the male member’s member and measures penile tumescence. There is no need for cell phones, so burner phones are of no use. In other words, you can’t fool the Peter-Meter®.

When the Peter-Meter® detects a proscribed tumescence level, a message is sent to the congregant’s accountability partner, thus alerting the partner to contact the congregant to arrange a come to Jesus moment.

Genderosity prides itself in providing gender neutral services, so their team of programmers have developed a metering device for the lady congregants called the Vag-O-Meter® — -not to be confused with the Veg-O-Matic, a vegetable chopping device once sold on late-night television. The Vag-O-Meter ®is a soft tampon-like device acceptably familiar to most ladies.

Though based on vaginal photoplethysmography, the Vag-O-Meter® does not measure blood through the walls of the vagina (a sign of female sexual arousal), but instead measures increased vaginal moisture and viscosity. Occasional problems with Vag-O-Meter® metering have been known to arise during a lady congregant’s menstrual period resulting in false positive alerts, but the Genderosity team of crack engineers are confident the problems will be solved. In the meantime, a bird in hand is worth two in a bush.

Optional Monitoring:

If church leaders have difficulty recruiting a sufficient number of accountability partners (one can only be exposed to so much prurient stimuli before things get out of hand), Genderosity partners with prison ministries and local prisons industries to provide live monitoring through the employment of prisoner monitors. After receiving an alarm, a prison monitor contacts the church pastor to arrange a follow-up interview with the wayward congregant.

Because monitoring often involves exposure to salacious content that is prurient, ribald and titillating, we employ only convicted sex offenders who often have pastoral experience and are already doomed to burn in Hell.


Costs are assessed based on the mix of monitoring services tailored to meet the needs of each congregation. Installment payment plans are available on a first come, first served basis.



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Joseph Abramajtys

Old Man, Retired Prison Warden, Social Critic, Recovering Catholic, Pain in the Ass.