J.D. Vance Family Recipe for Appalachian Cat (or Dog)

J.D. Vance recently brought to the world’s attention that Haitians in this country are eating America’s beloved cats and dogs. What critics don’t realize is Vance’s comments were meant to be a payback. This is the Vance family recipe for braised cat (or dog), prepared by the Vance’s for generations during their Appalachia settlement.

Credit: Freepix

According to Vance, it’s a well-kept secret that the Haitian dish is a knock-off of Appalachian braised cat or dog, particularly enjoyed by Appalachian families too inbred to hold jobs.

Though nobody knows why, the Vance family prepares the dish every January 1, Haitian Independence Day, though Vance has consistently refused to provide a copy of the Vance family tree.

Servings: 4 (may be prepared in multiples of 4)

Ingredients

1-Cat (or small dog), fur removed and saved for soup, dismembered, head optional.

Note 1: The cat should be two years-old or less. Older cats develop nasty enzymes and are suitable only for use by self-hating childless cat-ladies. Large dogs are, of course, tough.

Note 2: If possible, pay the extra buck and get the famously tasty Springfield cat available at better butcher shops. Unless you have no other choice, avoid Walmart cat which is said to be fed Kosher pork.