MAGA Affiliated County Considers Banning Self-Gratification

A rumor is circulating that a West Michigan County Commission, controlled by right-wing Christian Nationalists identified with the Onanism Infirm (OI) political action group, recently debated banning self-gratification, allegedly referred to by Commissioners as “self-abuse.” It is reported that Commissioners voiced concern that the recent proliferation of remote school classes imposed by what one commissioner termed “woke communist inspired Covid restrictions that closed schools,” left young people to their own devices with too much time on their hands.

“The Devil works in the dark on youngsters with absentee parents who must work to make ends meet,’ said one commissioner, adding, “Once bad habits take root, God knows where they will lead.”

Credit: Freepix

The OI Commissioners known to hold secret meetings, allegedly met with a group of supporters and religious leaders to discuss the proposed ban. The possible ban was proposed by the Commission Vice chair, who is said to take the “vice” in her title as justification for her actions. “Vice is sinful behavior and everyone knows self-abuse is a sin against nature and God,” she is reported as saying.

She noted the new county motto “Where Righteousness Runs Rampant” was meant to be taken literally. Since the Commission is considering declaring West Michigan County a gun sanctuary, they should also declare it a sanctuary for those who seek to be clean in mind and body.

Noted for Christian piety, the Commissioners asked for Biblical guidance.

Reading from Leviticus 15:1–18, a participant explained what the Bible said about self-abuse:

1 And the LORD spake unto Moses and to Aaron, saying,

2 Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, When any man hath a running issue out of his flesh, because of his issue he is unclean.

3 And this shall be his uncleanness in his issue: whether his flesh run with his issue, or his flesh be stopped from his issue, it is his uncleanness.

4 Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean.

5 And whosoever toucheth his bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.